Friday, September 26, 2008

Ring Around The Roses

Today was utterly craptastic for a number of reasons, and as the day progressed it just continued getting more unbelievable and difficult, until finally I decided that for the next week I am not thinking about anything other than what color I might like to paint my fingernails.
"Why just your fingernails?" you might ask?
"Because", I reply, "self toenail polishing is out because of my back problem."

Look, I’ve really never given being vapid a heartfelt shot. Maybe I’ll enjoy it.
Oh to be a child and not have to worry about grownup things......
I remember being young.
There were all sorts of things that my childhood mind dreamed up as being the spoils of adulthood. Even as a teen, the fantasies continued. About how great it would be to be on my own, be my own boss, do what I wanted, when I wanted it.
Being a grown-up was going to be totally awesome.

And even as the grey hairs started to sprout, even as my ass began its slow, demeening slide towards the backs of my knees, even as the bills piled up, I still held tight to the conviction that certain rights of adulthood were inalienable.

I was so naive.
No, I have not been drinking. (I sort of wish I’d been drinking….)

Thursday, September 25, 2008


There are hundreds of superstitions, some for good luck and some that bring bad. We all know about Black Cats, walking under ladders, four leaf clovers, Friday the thirteenth, and a rabbits foot.
My favorite has always been wishing on the first star of the evening.
When I was a little girl I would always wish upon a star.
Wishing for a life filled with happiness.
This evening I found myself searching out the darkening sky.
Hoping that with finding that tiny glimmer, it would somehow bring something much needed into my life.
This year was so hard on me.
I am just not a strong person, never have been.
These last few months have been entirely too hard.
I am sometimes overwhelmed. So overwhelmed.
I feel the guilt like a rat beginning to gnaw at me from the inside.
I am guilty that I am too far away from my mother. If something were to happen it is just too far to go to her.
She was so brave when we left but underneath it all I knew she was terrified for us to be so far away.
When I call her almost daily, she laughs her quiet laugh, tries to tell me what is going on and who stopped in to visit.
But I know, I know...
Everyone tells me she is fine and as much as I want to believe it, that rat is chewing away at my heart.

I am so damn guilty for seeing so much sadness in Colten's eyes. He was happy in Texas and since the move I have watched him smile less and less.
Sometimes I catch a far away, lost expression on his face and I know he is not content.
When he catches me looking at him he sais he is fine, but then quickly looks away.
He seems to know what I will find hiding behind that nervous smile if I look close enough.
I am sure it is his way of protecting me as he knows I worry.
I miss my cat Nirvanna.
Doug sais things will be better when we get out of this tiny apartment, but I am not so sure.
I nod, smile and say, "yes, in a couple of weeks we can begin to settle into our new life...."
And yet, tonight I found myself almost desperately searching for that first tiny star.....

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

If You Own A Cat You Will Relate..........

Dog Diary 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard!
My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Stupid people.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges.
He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now..

Man Oh Man........

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks ,interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

"Kill Her!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes... "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same Instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.

"I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Delicious filled cupcakes.......

I am making a batch this weekend.
Try this recipe and let me know what you think!


1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup white sugar
1 egg
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1 (18.25 ounce) package chocolate cake mix

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C), or to the temperature recommended on the cake mix package.
Prepare chocolate cake mix according to package directions, but do not bake. In separate bowl cream together cream cheese and sugar until smooth. Beat in the egg until well blended, then stir in chocolate chips.
Line cupcake tins with cupcake papers. Fill 2/3 full with chocolate cake batter. Add 1 teaspoon cream cheese mixture to the center, and top with more cake batter.
Bake according to package directions for cupcakes. Cool and frost with chocolate or cream cheese frosting.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

You are still "my Guy"

"Doug" You Are Still The One

When I first saw you, I saw love. And the first time you touched me, I felt love.
And after all this time, you're still the one I love.

Looks like we made it Look how far we've come my baby.

We mighta took the long way, We knew we'd get there someday

Bridge: They said, I bet they'll never make it But just look at us holding on We're still together still going strong

Chorus: (You're still the one) You're still the one I run to The one that I belong to You're the one I want for life (You're still the one)

You're still the one that I love The only one I dream of You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better We beat the odds together I'm glad we didn't listen Look at what we would be missin'

Bridge: They said, I bet they'll never make it But just look at us holding on We're still together still going strong

Chorus: (You're still the one) You're still the one I run to The one that I belong to You're the one I want for life (You're still the one)

You're still the one that I love The only one I dream of You're still the one I kiss good night

Chorus: (You're still the one) You're still the one I run to The one that I belong to You're the one I want for life (You're still the one)

You're still the one that I love The only one I dream of You're still the one I kiss good night

I'm so glad we made it

Look how far we've come my baby

Shania Twain

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Let The Good Times Roll!

Dear Sir and Madam:

It it with a heavy heart and much regret that I feel the need to inform you of my decision to tender my resignation as Greatest Mother In The World. We all know that lately I’ve simply become unable to keep up with the demands of the position, and I wish to fall back at this time to something more befitting my capabilities.

This morning I feel that perhaps Mom Who Does Just Enough might be a more suitable choice. Or—should you feel it a better selection—Serviceable Mom. I shall leave it to your discretion as to which would be most useful to the organization as a whole.

I do thank you for the chance to be something more, but now that I’ve realized exactly how thankless this position really is, I’m afraid I am simply going to have to suggest that you make your own damn lunch in the future.

So, effective immediately, here are the changes I propose:

1) If I spend my entire morning picking up after your lazy butt, when you later come home and start mouthing off and stomping around, I shall not be expected to either be kind or care about whatever your major malfunction is. I shall be entitled to suggest that you please continue your fit elsewhere I do not need to look at your ungrateful little pouty face.

2) If you’ve wrung me dry during the previous week, should you elect to sob over the almost-empty toothpaste tube, I will continue to provide squeezing assistance, but I will also be allowed to ask you when you all turned from teenage boys into a 2-year-old girl.

3) I will no longer make wake-up rounds in the morning, gently coaxing and cajoling you awake and out of bed, rechecking to make sure you’re up. Your alarms will be set and you can rise or not as you see fit. As you will be fixing your own lunch to save me the grief over placing inferior sustenance before you.

4) I will only launder the clothes I find inside of the hamper. Clothes near the hamper or squirreled away elsewhere in the house shall remain unwashed. Complaints about favored items being unavailable shall be met with a sad song played on my tiny violin.

5) Items left on the living room floor become my property to keep or dispose of as I see fit. Period. I am pretty sure I didn’t leave my entire sock collection in the living room and if you couldn’t be bothered to put it away, I can’t be bothered to ask you fifteen times to take your stuff. Sorry.

6) Dishes left in the kitchen at the end of a meal shall be used in their unwashed state to serve the next meal on. Mmmm mmmm good.

7) Crumbs, banana peels, and cereal which are not disposed of properly shall be transferred to your beds for safekeeping.

8) Any request for me to do anything shall result in my leaving the house for a scenic walk. On the down side, you’re going to be spending a lot of time alone, I think. But on the bright side, I should be 10 pounds lighter in no time!

9) I will no longer be buying a gallon of milk everyday just so I can find half empty glasses of it everywhere. Go buy a cow and milk her if you feel the need to suck down extra. MOOOOO!

10) I will no longer be participating in arguments about the weather. If you’re convinced don’t need a jacket, fine. You’re right; you DO know better than me. Enjoy your day wearing whatever you’ve deemed appropriate. I’ll no longer be paying attention to any subsequent colds or flu, so have at it!

Again, I’m sorry that it’s come to this, but I think the resignation of my post and subsequent reorganization will be for the best, all around. I do appreciate the opportunity and wish you all the best in your future endeavors.
Regards, Mama