Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Guilt completely covered in frosting.....

I have endless guilt when it comes to my life and my children. ENDLESS.

I cannot let my past go, so in essence, it is controlling me..stealing away my todays and hiding my tomorrows.  Even though those "bad mentally unbalanced person days" only lasted the sum of months during the divorce and that was 15 years ago..it still eats me from the inside.  I have spent literally years trying to atone....and there are those family members that act as if it happened yesterday and bring it up everytime we talk.

Then there's the boys...Wow..where to start. 
My guilt has no bounderies.  Everything is my fault.
I have guilt over the genetic things I either know or fear they’ve inherited from me or their biological father. I’m not even talking about deadly disease sorts of things—I feel guilty that Colt and Zach have needed glasses since forever (although Colt refuses to wear them and is hurting his eyes even more) or that they all can seem kind of "out there" at times. When I look at Bear and wonder if I was a good stepmom. Did I love him enough...When Jack seems so withdrawn and he shuts everyone out. And even when Jarel looks lost and sad and then mad...because I am super sure my "crazy" gene did not skip their generation.

I have guilt over every difficulty they ever experience, whether it involves me or not. I feel guilty when they’re mad or sad or frustrated, because if I was a GOOD mother, I’d be able to fix it....Did I cause it..

I’m aware that this may not be 100% logical. But this is what happens when you’re raised Jewish. I am not actually Jewish but my mother believed in teaching a twisted strict bizario twist, on old Testament Biblical Jewish law, even though she is in no way, shape or form Jewish.......Yeah, I am serious..

My point is, I HAVE GUILT.  Always.

Some days I can almost live with it.  Nope, that is a lie....I beat myself up almost daily....another lie. DAILY.

So anyway my Jack has been talking to an Army recruiter. I told myself to breathe and then smile and then breathe some more. I decided to back him 100% and I am so damn proud of him. I really am. I was talking to Doug about how proud I am of him.....

And then somewhere between that conversation and now, I LOST MY MIND.

Stuff and things, things and stuff

I’ve been thinking a lot, the last couple of weeks, about histories and futures and—most of all—the gift of the present. I still struggle every day with appreciating that last one as much as I ought to, which is pretty ironic given that I’m not not one to leave history behind and oftentimes thinking about the future causes me to have palpitations.

I don’t like unknowns. I like knowing what IS and what WILL BE and learning from what WAS and then moving on. You know, to the safety of what IS. Heh. Though it can be hard to fully EXPERIENCE what is when one is busy INVENTORYING it. Not that I would know anything about that. Ahem.
My Jack talked to an Army recruiter today....I am terrified but I will try to smile.......

life has a tendency to win out, one way or another.

every time.

every single time.....


Wednesday, June 24, 2009


Sometimes, do you get the feeling that people don't give you the credit that you (Think) you deserve?
I feel as though I am lost in Wonderland, but unlike Alice, I fear I will never wake up.......
I've lost it...
You know what? I've totally lost myself. Somewhere along the line, I accidentally let loose of the fine threads that were holding me together. Any sense I had of what I am exactly - who I am, exactly - all gone.
I realize this through reflection upon the interactions I have had with people this past week. I see that every word I say, every move I make, is utterly contrived and devoid of substance. And these shallow displays are painting a rather dismal picture of who I am - this is not who I am, this is just things I say, things I do...but they are not me...
I have let the stupid side of me overtake any other factor of my being....I have let myself become a hollow shell..
What my family see of me is this happy, light-hearted daft sprite, illuminated by my crazy drunk antics and random ramblings. Which, for face value, is good I suppose...but no one sees what lies beneath these layers I present to the world.
I am so tired of people not knowing me.
But, ah! There is the rub, for I do not know myself anymore, so how can they know me...perhaps, I will come across someone who sees as much as I do, but is not muted by the ward of silence, and they can help me remember...
Ahhhh, well....credit shmedit.....