Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Guilt completely covered in frosting.....

I have endless guilt when it comes to my life and my children. ENDLESS.

I cannot let my past go, so in essence, it is controlling me..stealing away my todays and hiding my tomorrows.  Even though those "bad mentally unbalanced person days" only lasted the sum of months during the divorce and that was 15 years ago..it still eats me from the inside.  I have spent literally years trying to atone....and there are those family members that act as if it happened yesterday and bring it up everytime we talk.

Then there's the boys...Wow..where to start. 
My guilt has no bounderies.  Everything is my fault.
I have guilt over the genetic things I either know or fear they’ve inherited from me or their biological father. I’m not even talking about deadly disease sorts of things—I feel guilty that Colt and Zach have needed glasses since forever (although Colt refuses to wear them and is hurting his eyes even more) or that they all can seem kind of "out there" at times. When I look at Bear and wonder if I was a good stepmom. Did I love him enough...When Jack seems so withdrawn and he shuts everyone out. And even when Jarel looks lost and sad and then mad...because I am super sure my "crazy" gene did not skip their generation.

I have guilt over every difficulty they ever experience, whether it involves me or not. I feel guilty when they’re mad or sad or frustrated, because if I was a GOOD mother, I’d be able to fix it....Did I cause it..

I’m aware that this may not be 100% logical. But this is what happens when you’re raised Jewish. I am not actually Jewish but my mother believed in teaching a twisted strict bizario twist, on old Testament Biblical Jewish law, even though she is in no way, shape or form Jewish.......Yeah, I am serious..

My point is, I HAVE GUILT.  Always.

Some days I can almost live with it.  Nope, that is a lie....I beat myself up almost daily....another lie. DAILY.

So anyway my Jack has been talking to an Army recruiter. I told myself to breathe and then smile and then breathe some more. I decided to back him 100% and I am so damn proud of him. I really am. I was talking to Doug about how proud I am of him.....

And then somewhere between that conversation and now, I LOST MY MIND.

Stuff and things, things and stuff

I’ve been thinking a lot, the last couple of weeks, about histories and futures and—most of all—the gift of the present. I still struggle every day with appreciating that last one as much as I ought to, which is pretty ironic given that I’m not not one to leave history behind and oftentimes thinking about the future causes me to have palpitations.

I don’t like unknowns. I like knowing what IS and what WILL BE and learning from what WAS and then moving on. You know, to the safety of what IS. Heh. Though it can be hard to fully EXPERIENCE what is when one is busy INVENTORYING it. Not that I would know anything about that. Ahem.
My Jack talked to an Army recruiter today....I am terrified but I will try to smile.......

life has a tendency to win out, one way or another.

every time.

every single time.....