WISHING ON A STAR

There are hundreds of superstitions, some for good luck and some that bring bad. We all know about Black Cats, walking under ladders, four leaf clovers, Friday the thirteenth, and a rabbits foot.

My favorite has always been wishing on the first star of the evening.

When I was a little girl I would always wish upon a star.

Wishing for a life filled with happiness.

This evening I found myself searching out the darkening sky.

Hoping that with finding that tiny glimmer, it would somehow bring something much needed into my life.

This year was so hard on me.

I am just not a strong person, never have been.

These last few months have been entirely too hard.

I am sometimes overwhelmed. So overwhelmed.

I feel the guilt like a rat beginning to gnaw at me from the inside.

I am guilty that I am too far away from my mother. If something were to happen it is just too far to go to her.

She was so brave when we left but underneath it all I knew she was terrified for us to be so far away.

When I call her almost daily, she laughs her quiet laugh, tries to tell me what is going on and who stopped in to visit.

But I know, I know...

Everyone tells me she is fine and as much as I want to believe it, that rat is chewing away at my heart.

I am so damn guilty for seeing so much sadness in Colten's eyes. He was happy in Texas and since the move I have watched him smile less and less.

Sometimes I catch a far away, lost expression on his face and I know he is not content.

When he catches me looking at him he sais he is fine, but then quickly looks away.

He seems to know what I will find hiding behind that nervous smile if I look close enough.

I am sure it is his way of protecting me as he knows I worry.

I miss my cat Nirvanna.

Doug sais things will be better when we get out of this tiny apartment, but I am not so sure.

I nod, smile and say, "yes, in a couple of weeks we can begin to settle into our new life...."

And yet, tonight I found myself almost desperately searching for that first tiny star.....